“You own a donkey, don’t you? The director of the Easter production will be contacting you. They need a donkey for their program, so I told him to call you.” We were attending a Christian Ministries Convention, when an old friend grabbed us. I couldn’t imagine our stubborn but beautiful Mexican burro doing anything for anyone outside of his happy little pasture. Admiral (“Addie” for short) was thoroughly convinced that trailers ate donkeys. This would take some kind of miraculous intervention. Addie was a stallion, a Bureau of Land Management Rescuee who still had many of his own wild ideas! He was a gentle creature, but had been badly traumatized by trailers, since his most recent experience loading into a vehicle involved the “business end” of a cattle prod!
For the next few weeks, we cringed each time the phone rang, fearing “they” would ask to use our donkey. About a month later the dreaded call came. We reluctantly agreed, though I encouraged them to keep searching. For him to participate in the program, he would need to travel to and from the city of Denver for five consecutive nights. While he was there, he would walk into one of largest churches in the city. He would enter the sanctuary and carry “Jesus” upon his back amidst waving palms, singing choir members, and playing orchestra. After that he would walk back out of the doors, across the big, open parking lot and back into the fearsome trailer. During the next three weeks, we learned unforgettable lessons on schooling any reluctant learner while we struggled to train our stubborn donkey to participate in the massive Easter program.
Reluctant learners come in all sizes, shapes and varieties. A stubborn, resistant child may have the most wonderful personality and kind heart, but be simply stuck in a rut in his/her learning. I call these children my “Reluctant Draggin’s.” These little draggin’s can cause their parents to be the ones to breathe smoke and fire! Frustration sets in and resistance builds. Soon parents, teachers and children are locked in a battle. Inevitably, the child will lose in the end. What can be done with a child who refuses to work with you? How can you reach a child who folds his arms and cries, “I can’t!” When the walls come up patience comes down. Before all is lost, take a look at how God brought us through our dilemma.
Lesson 1: If at first you don’t succeed, try something else.
We began by tying Addie up to the rear of our two-horse trailer and placing his only food inside the trailer. We did this for hour-long sessions morning and night. Result? After three days we had a very hungry, miserable donkey who dug himself a waist-deep hole behind the trailer! Now he couldn’t climb into the trailer if he’d wanted to!
When working with a child who cannot seem to move forward and every day seems to be a battle, we need to be willing to flex. Remember to work at one plan for a few days before calling it quits. Don’t try too many things at once. For example, if your child is resisting the math lesson day after day, it might be time to try something new such as manipulatives to make the lesson more understandable. Make a list of things to try. Organize your list from the simple (manipulatives) to more complex or intense (a new school).
Lesson 2: Break the lesson into tiny bites.
The next morning I was reminded in my prayers of the ramp at the back of our old one-horse trailer. We placed the trailer inside his pen and put his food in it again. This allowed him the freedom to take tiny hesitating steps into the trailer all by himself in order to reach his food.
When a task is overwhelming, step back and see how to break it into tiny pieces. Perhaps you could work on only one row of problems per day. BREAK IT DOWN INTO SMALL INCREMENTAL GOALS!
Lesson 3: Motivate by a real need.
Had Addie not been hungry, he would never have set foot upon the ramp of the trailer. Motivation can take many forms. All of us need extra motivation at times to do what we need to do.
We are motivated by our basic needs which causes us to go and work jobs for food and shelter.
Children can also be motivated by basic needs. Breakfast follows morning chores. Lunch follows completion of lessons. Playtime follows work time. When I see a growing laziness in some of our children, I wonder if we adults have forgotten some of these basic rules.
Attitude can also be adjusted through motivation. We have used a technique designed by Carl Peterson of Accelerated Schools called The Winning System. (you can order a free copy @1-800-3school) Children who struggle are awarded a daily paycheck of coins or cash. No other money or cash comes to the children in any form. All must be earned. Each day they must complete their goals to earn the points, which are then computed into cash. However a child must earn at least 80% of their points to be paid fully. A token 20% payment is given for lower scores. Prioritizing the points is the fun part. If a behavior drives you to distraction, put a lot of value on its elimination. (Completes math homework before 7 pm.= 20 points. Give minimal points to the routine parts of the day. Feed dog= 2 points) I like to place attitude into the program. NO POINTS AWARDED FOR POOR ATTITUDES!
When the eyes roll and sighs begin, I simply inform the child. “I’m sorry, that attitude is not earning you points. You just lost two points by rolling your eyes there.” We use The Winning System as a form of motivational First Aid for dysfunctional attitudes and learning problems while we train character. See more on how to build your own charts and create points which prompt positive changes in later chapters.
Lesson 4: Repetition creates routine, routine creates habit.
Even when Addie began to take his meals in the trailer, we knew he had to repeat the process for an entire week before we could actually move the trailer with him in it. The more the learning became routine, the easier the process became.
Whatever is the most difficult, that is what you need to routinize. If your child struggles in spelling, then that is what you teach in the same fashion, the same way, for a short period of time every schoolday. In that way, you will have less resistance and more consistent progress. As one wise mom put it, “Some things aren’t fun, they just need to be done!”
Routinize and ritualize your day and reduce the arguments. Your child should be able to recite his daily routine to you from memory. Knowing what is expected each day brings comfort and security and usually removes resistance. Family rituals might include methods of setting the table, eating meals together, celebration of holidays, customs and traditions. These bring comfort to your children and decrease their fears of the unknown. Uprooted families especially need to establish traditions, routines and regularity as soon as possible.
Lesson 5: “By the yard, it’s hard; but by the inch, it’s a cinch!”
Addie thought that every shiny puddle of the dark slushy parking lot was a large lake which would drown him. To help him become brave enough to take another step toward the building we patiently held a carrot in front of his nose. He was given occasional nibbles to remind him that the carrot was real. The minutes turned into hours as we led him inch by inch into the massive church building amidst the falling snow.
Too often with children, we expect them to be able to take a leap in their learning and instantly become composition writers, note takers or textbook memorizers when they have not mastered the incremental steps to achieve those goals. Small steps insure success. TAKE BABY STEPS! Reward little bits of progress whenever and however you can.
Lesson 6: Keep your focus on the goal.
Constant encouragement and consistent attitudes paid off. As soon as one of us became distracted by the pressures of the environment, Addie would “shut down” and stop. When they are confused or frightened, donkeys put their heads down, brace their legs, and just stop. I remember the Warner Brothers cartoons which showed people pushing a rear of a donkey high in the air, but the donkey still would not move. Though our donkey weighed over 500 lbs., we tried it! He did the same thing! We would push and push, but he wouldn’t budge. I confess there were more than a few moments when I was so frustrated, I had to walk away from our stubborn steed. A two-by-four sounded like a great idea at times.
Children will also brace themselves and stop when they are confused and frightened. At that time you must remember what you really are trying to accomplish. If we respond to a stubborn, resistive learner in a violent manner, we all lose. Be honest with your feelings, explain how tempted you are to respond in an angry fashion. Stay engaged with your child and continue to display your patience as well as care and concern. Try not to rant and rave. Keep focused to the issue at hand.
Lesson 7: Backing up and going around can be easier than moving forward.
We found that when Addie went into his frozen, fearful stance, we could often move him backwards, turn him around and get him moving forward again. Backing out of a bad situation is not necessarily cowardice. Sometimes it is wisdom.
When a child is in the midst of a learning block, try changing something. Move them to a new location, use a different media, change subjects, change materials, or take a recess. Steer them toward a different direction and try it from a different perspective later. A learning block is a place of confusion and bewilderment. Repeating oneself more than three times will not usually solve the problem. Bring in another instructor or try a new technique.
I was working with Matt, a cute blonde-haired boy who was often a “Reluctant Draggin’” about learning reading and math. One day we hit an impasse on a math lesson, I had explained the problem every way I knew how and Matt still just shook his head. Finally I gave up and gave in. I called my 15-year-old son over to explain it to hin. Jeremy gently put the problem into an understandable story-lesson and Matt began to smile and nod. Ahh! Life was good again as I ate some humble pie for lunch that day.
Lesson 8: Don’t worry about what others think.
Many people laughed at us as we coaxed our stubborn donkey inch by inch into the church. The snow was falling on us and we weren’t sure this was going to work at all, but Mike was persistent and diligent and did not let others affect his communication with the donkey. The first night, the donkey took more than an hour to walk 50 feet into the building while the technical crew kept abreast of his dismal progress via their headsets. The donkey has now entered the building! A jubilant roar could be heard through the halls.
Too often we try to teach our children while glancing sideways at others. Is he reading as well as his cousin? The child next door already knows his times-tables! My parents thought she should have been reading before she turned six! et cetera, et cetera. . . God has instructed us not to compare ourselves (1 Sam 16:7, 2 Cor 10:13). The Lord has all of us on individualized programs here on earth. Why should our children be any different?
Sometimes those purposes are clear, such as raising our children in the love and admonition of the Lord. Other days, our goals may seem cloudy, but we know we should walk in His Spirit. This produces wonderful fruit in our lives. You know those great fruits: love, joy, peace, patience, long suffering, patience, kindness. patience. goodness. patience, self control, and more patience…
Lesson 9: Patience pays. Anger loses.
This was my hardest lesson. When I was absolutely ready to lose any ounce of patience I had left, my anger, tears and frustration only seemed to make matters worse. Remember, violent force is not your answer. Violence only leads to fear, which leads to further shut down.
Tom Tancredo is currently a U.S. Congressman. Before he went to Washington, he was the Rock Mountain Region Director of the U.S. Department of Education under Ronald Reagan. During his tenure he would speak to educators and home schoolers about excellence in education. He explained, “In all of our research, we have only found one consistent ingredient which truly helps children learn. It is not the credentials of the teacher, it is not the choice of curriculum, it is not even the size of the classroom. Though these may all be good things in themselves, the only factor which consistently improves performance is a ‘safe, nurturing environment for learning.’” Our challenge as educators is to provide a place where children can feel safe to try new things and stick their necks out while they discover unknown territories.
Lesson 10: Walk away from battles (for a while).
When all of our efforts seemed to be failing the only answer was to walk away from the battle. It took us more than three hours to get Addie reloaded the first night. We needed time to pray, and refocus our energies. Beating the animal in anger would only worsen our problem.
Children who have become defensive are great at battling. They can fight and argue for days and no one wins. When you sense an ensuing battle, it is often best the withdraw, regroup, and reapproach the battle zone without your weapons drawn. Communicate lovingly and directly with your child and speak without extra emotion. When I find myself locked into nagging and negative verbiage it is time to document, not speak. Here is where I will resort to charting more than arguing. I mentioned the motivation chart earlier.
Beware of the Passive Aggressive Child! Passive aggression is a form of deeply rooted anger. The person who is passive aggressive will quietly and purposely do things to make you lose your temper. Your raging becomes an expression of their own angry inner feelings. Meanwhile the child can look passively at the raging adult and still stay in control. Call your child on this and choose not to play the anger game. Change the situation before you get hooked into the ploy. Try to get your child to own and express his/her own emotions. Be honest with your own emotions and demonstrate a better way.
Lesson 11: Firmly take control of the situation.
To get Addie back into the truck we later learned how to “tow” the donkey into the trailer with our pickup truck. This became an offer he couldn’t refuse. Soon he learned that resistance was futile, and cooperation was the only logical alternative.
Parents who they feel they have lost control have the hardest problems with their children. Don’t be afraid to exercise your authority in the home. Remove the television, control freedoms, do not tolerate back-talk, temper tantrums, or rudeness. Children who are in control in their homes are terrified because they are now making the decisions. Door slammers lose their bedroom doors for a week. Children who speak rudely copy verses on kindness to others. Nasty attitudes bring time in isolation to change tones and words. Meanwhile, good self control and cooperation need to be noticed and rewarded generously.
Lesson 12: Always walk in forgiveness.
When I became angry, the solutions became impossible. When we walked in consistent forgiveness and compassion, his fear was reduced and the donkey would eventually respond.
As teachers and parents, we cannot allow any unforgiveness to settle between ourselves and our children. Bitterroots will take hold, judgments will settle in and gaps will develop. We have no alternative but to walk in the forgiveness of others as Christ has forgiven us. Bitter angry parents can become abusive in their actions and words. Take the time you need to be able to walk in grace and forgiveness. Meanwhile teach your child to respond to you with love and respect at all times as well. Be kind to yourself as well as your child.
Victory is possible!
Admiral eventually did an “admirable” job. He proudly carried “Jesus” every night of the performance before a total of 10,000 spectators. His natural shyness caused him to be a safe indoor equine. As a result, the Senior Pastor invited Addie to attend the cast party and he was a great hit! He enjoyed the attention and didn’t mind having his picture taken. As a matter of fact, Addie had another command performance at a vacation Bible school in a neighboring church .
Training takes time, patience and focus. When stubbornness sets in, as it occasionally will, remember to respond with firmness mixed with compassion, honesty and forgiveness. Don’t give up, don’t give in, keep on keeping’ on!