Perilous Parenting
By Teri Spray
Parenting has perilous times. We want to teach our children well, shelter them from evil
influences and train them up as they should go. We are responsible to do the best we can
to raise godly children. However, we are not responsible for all of the choices our
children make. That is ultimately between the child and God. Our job is to serve God
with our whole heart mind and soul.
I think I have a new hero in the homeschool movement. Reb Bradley speaks at
conferences and has written books on parenting and home schooling. He wrote a 36-page
article that our family believes every home schooling parent should read. “Solving the
Crisis in Homeschooling; Exposing the 7 major blind spots of Homeschoolers”; He is my
hero because he is the real deal, a dad who has worked hard to shelter his children, raise
them in a godly home and then find out that his children will actually make their own
decisions after all.
Reb confesses, “My own recipe called for great amounts of parental control, daily doses
of Scripture indoctrination, plenty of edifying music, modest apparel, and safe
entertainment, all combined in the oversized mixing bowl of sheltering, and cooked in the
oven of homeschooling. The timer was set and I knew that when they reached their 18 th
birthday, “DING!” the timer would go off and I would have a perfect angel food kid. I
was certain of it. I had yet to learn that fruitful parenting is more about people than
process.” www.familyministries.com/HS_Crisis.htm
When our son, Jeremy, entered his teens, he asked to go to public school. We assured him
that we would pray about it and do whatever the Lord directed us to do. As it turned out,
he didn’t really want to leave home schooling, but he wanted to attend school with his
friend who lived in another county –not an option. At that point, we were confident that
we were following God’s leading for our children. We told our son to pray for us to make
the right choice for him. Even when he struggled with his own choices as a teen and
young adult, we felt confident we had done what God called us to do. The rest is now up
to Jeremy and Jesus.
Too often we confuse the choices our children make with our own goals and
expectations. I have stood before crowded rooms of intense home schooling parents.
With tears streaming down my cheeks, I have shared my anger at the entire home school
movement. I told them, “There was a day in which I hated you all. I hated the home
school movement and all that I had done as a participant of it. I discovered that we had
lied to ourselves and each other. We told ourselves if we do this… if we do that… our
children will… The truth is, our children WILL make choices!”
Our hearts break when our children don’t choose to follow our example, but go their own
ways. I am reminded of the story of the Prodigal Son whose father was wonderful, but
still had two sinful adult sons. One was a rebellious sinner, and the other was an angry
“pharisee.” How about Adam and Eve? They had the Perfect Parent and still made the
wrong choice in the shelter of the Garden of Eden! As we are drawing our children into
places of higher ground, we have found that parenting is more about relationship, than
rules.
When we act in fear that our children might “mess up” our lives along with their own, our
relationship deteriorates. If we try to pull strings and control our children’s maturing
choices, they may become angry and confused. But, when we act as loving examples of
honest people living out honest struggles and enjoying victory in Christ, we can hope and
pray that our children will choose to do the same as they grow in age.
Frankly I think this is the most perilous part of parenting. Children in their twenties are
quick to blame parents for their problems. Fortunately, in their 30’s the accountability
factor becomes clearer by then. They understand that they are reaping the results their
own choices. (I love how we become so much wiser in our children’s eyes as they raise
children of their own!)
So guard your heart now as your children are in their formative years. Prepare yourself
for any and all choices your child may make. I learned many years ago never to say, “My
children would NEVER….” Truth: children will make choices and we as parents must
learn to love them through it all. Even when what they do is “WRONG!” there is still a
place to bring God’s unconditional love to them.
And how shall we regard parents whose children have made bad choices? Shall we
embrace them in their grief or pull away with scorn and disdain? It’s so easy to judge
other families who are experiencing the pain of wayward children. Perhaps the parents
could have done things differently, or maybe not. We must be careful to come alongside
those who struggle and not criticize.
What we have learned in our family is that young children need parents to love, protect
and guide them. Then children need parental support as they choose, commit and decide
their own lives. We are forever grateful for a God who shows us how to do justly, and
love mercy as we walk humbly before Him in this journey.